I didn't like the Brownie meeting. My sisters weren't there, and my mother's absence was always more profound when I didn't have two older siblings looking out for me. There were strange women guiding us, and there were girls my age that knew so much more than me. I ran home that day and begged my mom not to make me return.
So, this could be titled: How the Brownies Taught Me About Myself, But Not Until I Turned 37. I recently returned to Maryland to visit my sister and some close friends. Well, the land pulled out all the stops for my visit. Vibrant green fields. Blue mountains undulating on the horizon. Red barns scattered about, promising freshly stacked hay inside. I was awestruck. I was wooed by my former homeland. I was confused by the movings of my heart, wanting to return to this familiar place.
My time with family and friends refreshed me. I could talk with my goddaughter and her mom for six hours straight without my introverted side taking over, yelling in my brain, "I need to be ALONE!" My sister's home was full of energy--at times we had NINE boys running through the yard, but I was taken care of so sweetly by teens and tweens cooking, cleaning up, and playing with my boys.
Returning to New England was painful for me. I was longing to be reunited with my husband, but I was dreading the land that made me think of cold, hard winters and Puritan ancestors who could not break out in a dance while making lunch. There are times my Scandinavian heritage confuses me. What Dutch Reformed genes created me!? I began looking on Zillow for houses near my sister. I was exhausted from the long journey home. I felt terribly alone. And I was doubting my progress of finding friends in the seven years I had been back in Connecticut.
Within two days, I had impromptu hang-outs with two friends that I've made in the past two years. I was encouraged and regained some hope. I also caught up on my sleep, and all of a sudden my home and my yard weren't the worst things at which to look. All in all, New England has been very good to me. My life has made sense and continues to affirm me in my decision-making abilities. But it doesn't negate the grief of losing so much time with old friends. My heart hurts. I struggle with discontent. I long to merge the gold and silver of my old and new friends. I have always been happiest with my sisters around me, and if Brownies could have been with them...well, I would have had all the badges in the world. But merging old and new is hardly ever possible. I need to embrace both, however separate they may be. I will love both and make both my priority.
My Maryland Best Friend (smile) gave me a cosmos plant this past May. It has grown in my New England garden, and today it bloomed. I have many treasures in this life. The key is to cherish the one before me.
